ABCs Torchwood Style
by insanity weekly
Summary: Basically, something from Torchwood or related to Torchwood that starts with a different letter of the alphabet. Due to discrepancies between my coauthor and I, some may have more than one entry—but it will all be posted as one chapter. These can includ
1. Chapter 1

**Title: ABCs—Torchwood style. **

**Rating: T+ (subject to change later…and it will…)**

**Summary: **Basically, something from Torchwood or related to Torchwood that starts with a different letter of the alphabet. Due to discrepancies between my coauthor and I, some may have more than one entry—but it will all be posted as one chapter. These can include anything from seriously scary shit to mindless, still scary, crack. All pairings included in this I think. If you have any suggestions let us know and we might include them :D

**A/N from Tobie: **Yeah, don't ask how we came up with this. You'll be very, very sorry you did. This is just another little bit of insanity concocted by Kat and I. If you haven't run screaming from our other stories, this one might just do it. If you survive this—congratulations! You're immune to insanity :D Enjoy everyone!!

**Right, so this is an extremely short drabble to start things off. It's only 122 words. I highly doubt they'll all be this short, which is either a good thing or a bad thing, I haven't decided yet. **

**Considering it's me and Kat writing this, it's probably going to be bad But it a good way! **

**A is for Adam**

**By Tobie**

He sat back and watched, just watched. It was almost too perfect. Jack had made on mistake in retconing himself there in the cells. He had forgotten about that man, Gwen's fiancée—Rhys. He still remembered. Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembered the strange new bloke who had come around with Jack when Gwen had lost her mind.

And all it took was one person.

One person to remember him.

And on he lived.

So now, he waits. Waits for the perfect time to strike. Waits for the perfect time to come back and pay Jack back for what had happened, what the man had done.

It wouldn't be too long now.

And besides, he was a patient man.

**A/N from Kat: Yea, basically what Tobie said. If you have made it through all our fics, congrats. You are either immune to our insanity, or you are just as insane as us. I vote for the latter but that's just my opinion! - Also, yea don't ask us how we came up with this. Not a good idea. None what-so-ever. And this is only 221 words long. Tobie and I are too much alike lol.  
**  
**A is for Alcohol**

**By Kat**

Alcohol, lots and lots of alcohol. It was everywhere. Empty beer bottles littered the conference room table, as well as two bottles of Jack Daniels, Goose, and many other bottles of alcohol. There wasn't a bottle in the Hub that hadn't be consumed.

Owen, of course, had insisted on everyone playing 'I Never'. A game that everyone had played before, and had always swore to never play again while hung-over. But there they all were, playing that blasted game.

Gwen was leaning her head on the table, drool dripping out the side of her mouth. Her eyes were falling shut, but then she'd open them again. Struggling to stay conscious.

Tosh was attempting to count to 100 in some alien language she had taught herself from the many archives Torchwood had on file.

Ianto was attempting to reach the phone from his spot on the floor to call for a pizza. His arm was out stretched before him, but he of course couldn't reach. He was a good 4 feet away from the phone.

Owen was fast asleep on top of the conference table with a beer bottle in his mouth that he had been nursing before he passed out.

And Jack, being...well, Jack, was leaning against the doorframe shaking his head at his poor friends inability to hold their liquor.

**Next, 'B' if for….Review if you want to find out **

**Peace out readers! **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N from Kat: So very sorry we are subjecting you lot to this. But you see, we (that being Tobie and I) are completely insane. When we talk to one another, our muses go into overdrive and give us insane (and often scary) ideas. You all being our lovely, loyal, readers put up with us….and we have no idea why! --No seriously, why do you?? Not that we're complaining!**

**B is for Butts  
by Kat**

Butts. Lots of them. Everywhere he turned he'd see a nice round, plump rear just begging to be pinched, or slapped. He had to control himself of course. These were his employees, and his friends. Yes, alright he had slept with one of them already but that was a mutual arrangement.

Jack was a butt man. Some men liked boobs; Jack liked butts. He wasn't ashamed of that fact. No, actually he was proud of it. He even admired his own butt. He had a right too of course. Have you seen that mans butt?! It's gorgeous!

Human butts, animal butts, alien butts; he loved them ALL. Well ok, there were some exceptions. He most definitely didn't like the Weevils butts at all. No. Those were butts he did not find attractive. Maybe it was the fact that they could so easily kill his friends, or himself, that turned him off. Who knows?

And Rhys' butt wasn't something that turned him on either. Maybe it was that loathing thing he had towards the man, or the fact that he just got on his nerves a lot.

In the middle of me explaining this, Gwen and Ianto have bent over to both retrieve files that have fallen to the floor. Jack is leaning against his office door staring at them. He is openly staring of course. He knows they won't care if he looks. He's even hoping they will ask him if they can help with um….his problem. That won't happen of course. An alarm just went off and they are all back to work. Though on the way out the cog door, he can't help but stare at everyone's arse.

Yup, definitely a butt man.

**B is for Big, Red Button **

**By Tobie **

**A/N: Don't ask what I was thinking with button number 3**

Growing up, Ianto had always believed Cardiff to be an extremely boring place. Now, with Torchwood, he found himself occasionally longing for the days when he could meander around the city looking for something to do. This was one of those times.

"Ianto!" Jack shouted into the com. "Go into my office. That panel, on the side of my desk, push the big, red button!"

"What?" Ianto asked, frowning slightly.

"There's a nest of aliens outside the Centre," Gwen explained frantically. "If you don't blow them up, they're going to blow us up!"

"How do I blow them up!" Ianto asked, slightly panicked.

"Push the button!" Jack and Gwen chorused. Ianto rushed into Jack's office and unlocked the panel on the side of the desk. There was a blue button, a yellow button, a green button, and four red buttons.

"Which one is it?" He asked, looking frantically at the panel.

"The red one!" Jack shouted.

"There's four red ones!" Ianto snapped.

"Just push one of them!" Great. Ianto's eyes darted from button, to button, to button, to button. Tentatively, he reached out and pushed the first one. There was a loud creaking noise, and the roof of the Hub slowly opened up. Myfanwy let out a cry of what he assumed was joy and speed out the new opening towards freedom.

"Crap," Ianto deadpanned, watching the pterodactyl gain altitude. He jabbed another red button, and the alarms went off. A quick glance at the CCTV monitor told him the cells had opened, and now Weevils were running loose in the lower parts of the Hub.

"Any time now Ianto!" Gwen shrieked.

"Please be this one," Ianto silently begged. He hit the third button and the lights in Jack's office dimmed and a shimmering disco ball lowered from the ceiling. "Uh, Jack—why's there a disco ball in your office?" Ianto asked.

"They were very popular in the 70's," Jack said. "And that's all I'm going to say," Ianto shook his head, pressing the fourth and final big red button. He heard an explosion over the coms, and then silence.

"About time!" Jack yelled. "Gwen and I will try and find Myfanwy—we saw her fly past a minute ago," Ianto rolled his eyes, pulling his taser and Weevil spray from his coat pockets and heading down to the cells.

This was definitely one of those days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own Torchwood. Damn.**

**A/N: Yeah, so we're like really (x's a trillion) sorry that we haven't been updating! Life gets in the way…You know how it is. Hopefully.**

**C is for Cardiff  
by Kat (P.S. Sorry this is complete shit)**

Jack stood on the roof of the apartment complex of Altolusso, watching down on the city of Cardiff. The team had all gone home hours ago. It had been a slow day and nothing had happened for weeks, so he sent them home early.

Gwen went home to spend some quality time with Rhys. Tosh went to visit her parents she hadn't seen in ages. Owen to either his parents home or to a pub to get smashed again, and Ianto had gone home to sleep and make sure his stuff was still in his apartment. He hadn't been there for weeks now and the landlord was threatening to kick him out if he didn't see him there sometime.

Jack could never really say he had a home before. He had always moved around as a kid, especially after the war. But as he stood on the rooftop looking down, he felt a sense of belonging and love. Cardiff was an amazing city. Sure, it had the occasional alien attack here and there and sometimes things got a little too weird even to his standards, but it was home.

Jack laughed, thinking about the Doctor in his last body and how he'd react to Jack living in Cardiff and calling it home. He'd probably die and regenerate in to a new body just to die again when he realized he was serious!

**Yeah, ok, so I know its complete shit but I had NO idea what to write for Cardiff. Besides, I'm having caffeine withdraws and expecting me to write something nearly funny (or sad) right now is like asking a blind person to read a street sign. Impossible.**

**Please review!**

**Tobie A/N: **Well, I completely forgot about what I was supposed to right about, so I stole "caffeine" from Kat's last message and made C for "coffee".

Merriam-Webster defines caffeine as "a bitter alkaloid C8H10N4O2 found especially in coffee, tea, cacao, and kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic".

Ianto Jones defined it as, "a life giving substance Torchwood 3 would not exist without."

Every morning started much the same.

Ianto would arrive, first one in the Hub—aside from Jack, but considering the man lived there it didn't count for much. He would make his way into the small kitchenette and pull out the tin of coffee grounds. Everyone thought it was some special blend—little did they know. If he bought special gourmet brands they'd be in the hole at least 2 grand every week.

He put the pot on—extra strength—and when it was done he left a cup for Jack on his desk.

Then he made his way up to the tourist office.

At 8:30, Tosh would wordlessly walk through the front door as though she were sleep walking, lap top tucked up under her arm. She silently accepted the coffee and made her way down to the Hub.

Gwen was next, slipping through the doors at 9. Her makeup would be smudged, eyes half closed, hair a tangled mess. She took the coffee cup with a small grunt of thanks and followed Tosh's path downstairs.

Owen followed between 9:30 and 10, usually hungover. Ianto handed him a cup of black coffee—even though the medic claimed he would never drink it straight. Ianto didn't really think he noticed his first cup never had any cream.

At 10:15, Ianto would make his way down to the Hub to see if he was needed. A wide-eyed Tosh would be typing at her computer, a presentable (and sometimes even attractive) looking Gwen would be filing reports, a chipper (if you could go that far) Owen would be dissecting something, and Jack's whistling could be heard from the office.

"Ianto," Gwen (or Tosh—though it was usually the former PC) would announce. "You are a Godsend." For effect the complimenting party would hold up the mug in a silent toast. "I don't know what you put in here, but it certainly does the job."

Ianto would just grin and walk into the kitchenette to start the second pot.

Grinning, he stuffed the tin back into the cupboard and poured himself a cup, humming silently to himself.

_The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup. _


	4. Chapter 4

D is for Darkness (by Kat)

Darkness. That's all there was. No light, no sounds; nothing.

That's all there ever is whenever I die. Just darkness.

Really, it's starting to get old. I mean, is it really that hard to put a little light in here? Whatever 'here' is exactly.

There could be a nice little recliner with a reading lamp sitting next to it. That's not too much to ask for is it? *sigh* Of course it is.

Oh look, the darkness is getting fainter. Lighter almost. Good. That means I'll me waking up soon. Although, I have to go through hell to get back to my family again but it's worth it. Sort of.

Bye-bye darkness. We'll see each other again soon I'm sure. Let's just hope it's not too soon.

**So this was Jacks POV (duh) and what he sees when he dies. Sorry it sucks. **

**If you review, I'll give you a naked Jack! (Or Ianto, or Owen…or Gwen and Tosh. Whichever you prefer)**

**D is for Dolls (and Doe Eyes) **

Jack tried to smother his laughter, but the sight was just too much.

Owen Harper—make that _Dr. _Owen Harper—King of the Twats was sitting on the floor with Torchwood's latest addition and the small collection of dolls Tosh and Gwen had gotten her. The little girl, who couldn't have been more than four, was sitting cross legged on the floor, pulling a bright pink party dress onto one of the smaller Barbie's. Owen was running a small plastic brush through another's.

The look of concentration on the medic's face is what really made Jack laugh. You'd think he was performing some highly involved medical procedure—like open heart surgery.

His laughter made the duo look up. Owen glared, the little girl grinned.

"Hi Jack!" She chirped. "Do you want to play dolls with me and Owen?"

"Uh, I think I'll just leave you two to have fun," Jack stammered. Dolls. He had done many things in his early years—but playing dolls would not be added to that list anytime soon. The girl—they needed to find her a name soon—looked up at him, batting her big, brown doe eyes.

Jack caved and sunk down to the floor, accepting the doll from her. Owen shot him a knowing look.

"You just can't say no," he shrugged. With that, he continued brushing the dolls hair. Jack sighed, looking at the assortment of clothes on the floor.

In his opinion, Barbie would look much better in the purple sundress than her current cowgirl outfit.


	5. Chapter 5

**E is for Elephant**

Loud blaring sirens were going off in the Hub alerting the team that there was activity in the rift. Tosh was frantically typing away at her computer trying to pinpoint where the rift would open exactly but it was telling her nothing. She couldn't get a location and she was quickly getting annoyed. Everyone else was waiting by the cog doors so they could run out when Tosh was finally able to pinpoint an exact location.

All of a sudden, the Hub started to shake and everyone was thrown to the floor. A large portal appeared in the center of the room and a swirling vortex of light was seen within it.

"What do you thinks coming through?" Owen asked already aiming his stun-gun incase whatever came through was hostile.

"I don't know, but whatever it is it is huge!" Tosh shouted from her computer station.

"Tosh, is it human?" Jack asked he too had his gun aimed at the portal.

"No, all signs are pointing to an Earth being though," she replied back.

"Well if it's not human but it's from Earth, what could it be?" Owen asked.

"A car maybe?" Ianto supplied.

"Oh I hope so! I would love to have a new car," Gwen smiled.

"Whatever it is, it's coming through now!" Jack shouted.

A blindingly bright light flooded the room causing everyone to shield their eyes. When the light dissipated they looked back to where the portal had been. There, in the middle of the Hub, stood a 4 foot elephant. The team, stunned, dropped their guns and looked at each other in confusion.

"Uh…that's new," Gwen muttered under her breath.

"Bloody hell, it's never anything cool!" Owen whined.

"I was looking forward to it being a car," Ianto admitted.

"Well, I think it's better than a car!" Jack grinned. He walked slowly up to the elephant and held out his hand to it. The elephant rumbled in greeting and threw its trunk up and nudge Jack with it.

"Aren't you a beautiful girl," Jack cooed to it. It rumbled again and nodded its head.

"Smart elephant," Tosh said impressed.

"How do you know it's a girl?" Owen asked.

"Do you see a penis Owen?" Ianto snorted.

"Sorry, but unlike you, I don't try to look for those," Owen retorted.

"Oi, watch it both of you!" Jack scolded them. "Not in front of the baby!"

"Oh no," Gwen said shaking her head. She stomped over to Jack and poked him in the chest with each word she said. "You are not keeping her!"

"But—" he started.

"No! You are going to call the zoo and have them come and get her," Gwen demanded. "The Hub is no place for an elephant and you know it!"

"But—she's so cute!" Jack gushed stroking the baby elephant behind the ear. The elephant seemed to rumble in thanks to his petting.

"She is cute," Tosh agreed coming to pet the elephant as well.

"We should keep her. Give Mafawny (I don't know how to spell her name…) someone to play with," Owen agreed.

"No!" Gwen growled stomping her foot.

"Gwen's right Jack, Owen," Ianto said from where he stood behind Gwen. The two of them were looking at them like two parents who were acting as a united front and denying their children a bright shiny new toy or something.

"We can't keep her. She needs to be with other elephants her own age and be raised by elephants," he informed them. "Besides, where would we put her? She needs fresh air, sunlight, and companionship. She can't get that here."

Jack and Owen hung their heads and pouted.

"You know he's right," Tosh laughed.

"And anyways I don't want to have to clean up after her!" Ianto groaned.

"You wouldn't—" Jack tried to say.

"Oh yes I would!" Ianto said cutting him off.

"I'm calling the zoo," Tosh said dialing the local zoo on her mobile.

"Meanwhile, you two will go and get this little lady a bucket full of water and put her down in one of the cells where she will stay until they get here," Gwen ordered.

Jack went off to go get rope so he could lead the baby elephant and Owen went to fetch a bucket of water for her. Each of them had matching pouts on their faces.

Sometimes Gwen, Ianto and Tosh wondered if they really were 28 and 100+ years old with the way they acted.

**Ok, this is really short because I have no freakin' idea what to write! Sorry for it's shortness, next one will be better I swear! **

**E is for Ego**

"I do not!" Jack protested. The others fixed him with knowing looks.

"Jack, I swear, someday your head's going to swell so badly you won't be able to walk through a door," Gwen snorted. Jack opened his mouth to protest, but snapped it shut; his face turning 5 different shades of white. Groaning, he stalked off to his office muttering about "giant heads" and "the Face of Boe".


	6. Chapter 6

**TWITTER! PLEASE READ!**

Hello all, Kat here! I have created a Twitter account with Tobie (Mad-Like-A-Hatter). We are known as Tobie_and_Kat. The account will be used to inform both our individual readers and joint readers (since we have a joint FF account) of our stories. For example; if one of us is writing we will Tweet about which story we are writing for and when we wish to have it finished. We will also keep you up to date on how many words, pages, etc. we have written, and if a story will be on hold.

Please, please, please follow us! And spread the word!


	7. Chapter 7 No really, a real story!

***blows dust off, looks around nervously* Hello? Anyone here? WE'RE BACK! Tobie, I will be very surprised if we still have readers after all this time.**

**F is for Fucked**

Jack wondered up from his room under his office early one morning leaving Ianto laying in bed past out after a long night of—well, let's say they weren't playing scrabble. Realizing that the others would be in the Hub in two hours he thought he'd start some coffee and get prepared for the day before he awoke Ianto.

Walking in to the kitchen he looked around for the coffee maker. Sitting in the corner of one counter he spotted a sleek black coffee maker. Opening the cupboard above it he searched for the coffee, upon finding it he proceeded to put in three to four scoops of the ground coffee beans in to the coffee pot itself then used a coffee mug to pour water in to the top of the coffee maker. He pushed the start button after putting the coffee pot back on to the burner and walked away whistling to his office while the coffee brewed.

Twenty minutes later Jack heard a loud pop and a bang and the smoke alarm in the kitchen was going off. He ran to the kitchen to find Ianto's favorite coffee maker in flames and the coffee pot itself laying in pieces on the counter with a few pieces of glass on the floor.

"I'm fucked," thought Jack.

Ianto stretched lazily in the bed reaching for his warm bed partner but when his hand hit a cold spot he bolted up right. Not finding Jack in bed with him was kind of worrying. Last time Jack left the bed with him still in it—willingly—he had been sleep walking caused by an alien drug someone at a bar had slipped in to his drink; it was suppose to knock him out but since nothing is normal for Jack, it only caused him to steal things while sleep walking.

He looked around the room searching for any sign of where Jack may have gone. Seeing no sign of Jack Ianto climbed out of bed, dressed and climbed up the later to Jacks office. As he climbed the ladder a burning smell wafted past him. Worrying that Jack had attempted to cook breakfast—not something he really wanted to relive—he sprang up the ladder and ran towards from the office only to catch sight of Jack, Gwen, Tosh and Owen gathered Tosh's desk arguing in whispers.

"I'm not telling him anything!" whispered Jack.

"If you don't tell him I will!" threatened Gwen. Jack sized her up, not sure whether to take her bluff or match it.

"Yeah, well I say we go with Owen's idea and just throw the damn thing in the bin and say it broke."

"Jack, that's not going to work," said Tosh.

"Why not?" asked Owen, he was hoping they could finally get an espresso maker.

"Because if he knew what happened to the—" Tosh finally caught sight of Ianto and went completely silent and started pretending to be busy on her computer.

"If he knew what?" asked Ianto making everyone jump and turning to look at him.

"Ianto, you're up!" Jack said sounding a little too enthusiastically even to himself.

"What did you do?" asked Ianto advancing on them.

"Nothing, nothing at all!" insisted Jack. He knew Ianto wouldn't hesitate to shoot him if he found out he broke the coffee maker. Ianto advanced on him causing Jack to scuttle backwards and the others to run to their own desks. Just as Ianto got close to the kitchen door he smelt the burning more intensely.

"You didn't—"

"Ianto—" Ianto took off running in to the kitchen, everyone but Jack right on his heels.

"Jack Harkness!" Ianto screeched. Jack, knowing when to stay and fight and when to cut your losses and run, took off running out the cog door. He didn't know where he would hide, but he knew he didn't want to be anywhere near Cardiff for awhile.

"Well, it's safe to say Jack is one fucked man and not in the fun way," Owen said grinning making Gwen and Tosh roll their eyes.

**End**

**If you haven't seen Season 2 then, **_**spoiler alert**_**: ****This takes place after Tosh and Owen die?little introspective Jack piece at their funerals. **

**F is for Failure**

Jack slammed the car door shut with a force that was sure to have rocked the SUV on its side. In a series of short, jerky movements, he slid a pair of dark sunglasses on his face, threw his greatcoat over his arm and stalked towards the cemetery, leaving a bleary eyed Gwen and still shell-shocked Ianto behind.

It wasn't right.

Today wasn't supposed to be a sunny day, perfect for lazing around in some park with a basket of food or something else terribly cliché that normal people did on perfect, sunny afternoons. The birds weren't supposed to be chirping. Laughter shouldn't be echoing down the street. The caretaker offered him a smile as he stormed through the gates of the cemetery. He withered under Jack's glare.

Bastard wasn't supposed to be smiling.

It was supposed to be rainy at least. Dark, heavy oppressive clouds were supposed to be unleashing a torrent on the people of Cardiff, mourning along with the country for two of the bravest people that had ever lived.

But wasn't that the way it always went?

The sun came out, people were happy.

People were oblivious.

They didn't know that two national heroes were being buried today, and that's the way it was supposed to be. Because Torchwood was a secret. It was the 21st Century, but no one was ready. No one was ready to know anything about the worlds that lay beyond theirs, about what was really beyond the stars; up there in space.

They weren't ready to face the facts. They weren't ready for the truth.

They were supposed to be though. That was the whole point of his being there, wasn't it? To prepare everyone for the 21st Century.

Because, as everyone bloody well knew, that's when everything changes.

But things were changing and no one was ready.

He had failed.

And so today, the fucking sunniest day in Cardiff history, when two national heroes were being buried after putting their lives on the line day in and day out, and dying horrible deaths before their time, no one knew.

And so Toshiko Sato and Owen Harper couldn't be mourned properly, or given the funerals they deserved.

Instead, they got basic headstones, their names, birthdates, death dates, and a small sentence about being loved by everyone they knew, and a small ceremony consisting of a graying, arthritic priest, Jack, Gwen, and Ianto.

The caskets were there, ready to be put in the ground. The priest was at hand with a prayer book. Ianto and Gwen were making their way up through the maze of headstones.

And the fucking sun kept shining.

The remaining members of his team finally reached the site, clinging to each other for support, eyes filled with tears, and the priest began, saying the customary prayers for the dead souls and asking the Lord to welcome them into his eternal kingdom.

And Jack found himself wishing that it was true. That there really was an eternal peace somewhere out there, where Tosh and Owen were, along with everyone else he had ever failed to protect.

**End. **


End file.
